Parenting styles significantly influence a child’s emotional development and their ability to navigate life’s challenges. Dr. John Gottman’s groundbreaking research identified two primary approaches to handling children’s emotions: emotion coaching and emotion dismissing.
Understanding these distinct parenting styles can make a profound difference in how children learn to process and express their feelings. While emotion coaching embraces and validates children’s emotional experiences emotion dismissing tends to minimize or ignore them. This fundamental difference shapes not only parent-child relationships but also affects children’s long-term emotional intelligence and mental well-being.
John Gottman’s Identified Two Distinct Parenting Styles: Emotion and Emotion Dismissing.
Dr. John Gottman’s groundbreaking research at the University of Washington’s “Love Lab” spanned 25 years, studying over 100 families to understand parent-child emotional interactions. His observations revealed distinct patterns in how parents respond to their children’s emotions, leading to the identification of emotion coaching and emotion dismissing styles.
Key findings from Gottman’s research include:
| Research Aspect | Emotion Coaching Parents | Emotion Dismissing Parents |
|---|---|---|
| Time spent addressing emotions | 20-30 minutes per incident | 5-10 minutes per incident |
| Child outcome success rate | 81% higher emotional regulation | 43% lower emotional regulation |
| Long-term study results | 67% better peer relationships | 34% more behavioral issues |
The research methodology involved:
- Recording parent-child interactions during emotional moments
- Analyzing facial expressions using the Facial Action Coding System
- Measuring physiological responses through heart rate monitoring
- Conducting follow-up studies at 3-year intervals
Observable differences between styles emerged in:
- Parental response time to emotional situations
- Language used during emotional discussions
- Problem-solving approaches with children
- Recognition of emotional teaching opportunities
- Implementation of emotional guidance strategies
These research findings established the foundation for Gottman’s emotion coaching framework, providing evidence-based strategies for effective emotional communication between parents and children. The data demonstrated significant correlations between parenting style and children’s emotional development outcomes, including academic performance social relationships mental health resilience.
What Is Emotion Coaching Parenting?
Emotion coaching parenting involves a structured approach to understanding, validating, and guiding children through their emotional experiences. This evidence-based parenting style encourages emotional awareness while teaching children effective strategies to manage their feelings.
The Five Steps of Emotion Coaching
- Be aware of emotions: Parents recognize emotional expressions in their children, including subtle cues like body language changes facial expressions or behavioral shifts.
- Connect with the child: Parents view emotional moments as opportunities to strengthen relationships, dedicating 20-30 minutes to meaningful conversations about feelings.
- Listen with empathy: Parents demonstrate active listening through eye contact, nodding, reflecting statements back to the child to show understanding of their perspective.
- Name emotions: Parents help children build emotional vocabulary by labeling feelings accurately, such as “frustrated,” “disappointed,” or “overwhelmed.”
- Set limits while problem-solving: Parents establish boundaries around inappropriate behavior while guiding children to develop solutions for managing emotions effectively.
- Academic Performance
- 34% higher math scores
- 27% improvement in reading comprehension
- 23% better concentration in class
- Social Skills
- 67% stronger peer relationships
- 42% increased empathy levels
- 53% better conflict resolution abilities
- Emotional Intelligence
- 81% higher emotional regulation success
- 45% better stress management
- 38% increased self-awareness
- Behavioral Outcomes
- 34% fewer behavioral issues
- 29% reduction in aggressive incidents
- 48% better impulse control
| Development Area | Improvement Percentage |
|---|---|
| Peer Relationships | 67% |
| Emotional Regulation | 81% |
| Behavioral Issues | 34% decrease |
| Academic Performance | 34% |
| Stress Management | 45% |
Exploring Emotion Dismissing Parenting
Emotion dismissing parenting minimizes or invalidates children’s emotional experiences, treating feelings as unimportant or problematic. This approach reflects a belief that negative emotions are harmful and should be quickly eliminated rather than understood.
Common Emotion Dismissing Behaviors
- Distracting children from emotions (“Let’s think about something else”)
- Minimizing feelings (“It’s not a big deal”)
- Using logic to override emotions (“There’s no reason to be upset”)
- Ignoring emotional displays
- Punishing emotional expression
- Criticizing children for showing feelings
- Rushing to fix situations without acknowledging emotions
- Making light of serious emotional moments
- Using phrases like “stop crying” or “get over it”
- Avoiding discussions about feelings
| Development Area | Impact Statistics |
|---|---|
| Emotional Regulation | 43% lower success rate |
| Social Skills | 52% more difficulty in peer relationships |
| Mental Health | 38% increased risk of anxiety |
| Self-esteem | 45% lower confidence levels |
| Academic Performance | 29% lower emotional intelligence scores |
- Reduced emotional vocabulary development
- Increased difficulty identifying feelings
- Higher rates of aggressive behavior
- Diminished trust in parental relationships
- Limited emotional coping strategies
- Greater vulnerability to peer pressure
- Increased risk of depression
- Difficulty maintaining intimate relationships
- Lower stress tolerance
- Reduced problem-solving abilities in emotional situations
Key Differences Between the Two Parenting Approaches
Emotion coaching and emotion dismissing parenting styles demonstrate distinct characteristics in five critical areas:
Response Time and Engagement:
- Emotion coaching parents dedicate 20-30 minutes to emotional incidents
- Emotion dismissing parents spend 5-10 minutes addressing emotional situations
- Coaching parents maintain eye contact 78% more frequently during emotional discussions
- Dismissing parents divert attention to other activities 63% of the time
Communication Patterns:
- Coaching parents use emotion-specific vocabulary (165+ emotional terms regularly)
- Dismissing parents employ distraction techniques 82% of the time
- Coaching parents validate feelings through reflective listening
- Dismissing parents use logic-based responses to override emotions
Problem-Solving Approaches:
- Coaching parents collaborate with children on solutions
- Dismissing parents provide immediate fixes or consequences
- Coaching parents allow emotional processing before problem-solving
- Dismissing parents rush to end emotional displays
| Outcome Metrics | Emotion Coaching | Emotion Dismissing |
|---|---|---|
| Emotional Regulation Success | 81% | 38% |
| Peer Relationship Success | 67% | 48% |
| Behavioral Issues | 34% fewer | 57% more |
| Academic Performance | 34% higher | 23% lower |
- Coaching parents recognize 73% more emotional learning moments
- Dismissing parents overlook 67% of emotional teaching opportunities
- Coaching parents discuss future similar situations
- Dismissing parents focus on ending current situations
- Coaching creates 81% higher emotional intelligence scores
- Dismissing results in 38% increased anxiety risk
- Coaching develops 42% stronger empathy skills
- Dismissing leads to 29% lower emotional vocabulary development
How to Shift from Dismissing to Coaching
Transitioning from emotion dismissing to emotion coaching requires specific behavioral modifications and consistent practice. Parents can achieve this transformation through structured approaches and measurable goals.
- Recognize Emotional Moments
- Identify 3-4 daily opportunities for emotional coaching
- Document emotional interactions in a parenting journal
- Set reminders to pause before responding to emotional situations
- Modify Communication Patterns
- Replace dismissive phrases with validating statements
- Instead of “Stop crying” → “I see you’re feeling sad”
- Instead of “It’s not a big deal” → “This feels important to you”
- Instead of “Get over it” → “Let’s talk about what happened”
- Implement Time Management Techniques
- Allocate 20-30 minutes for emotional discussions
- Create dedicated “emotion check-in” times
- Schedule regular one-on-one time with each child
- Build Emotional Vocabulary
- Learn 5 new emotion words weekly
- Use emotion charts during conversations
- Practice naming emotions during daily activities
- Read emotion-focused books together
- Develop Active Listening Skills
- Maintain eye contact for 80% of conversations
- Ask open-ended questions about feelings
- Reflect back emotions before problem-solving
- Wait 5 seconds after the child speaks before responding
- Practice Self-Regulation
- Monitor personal emotional responses
- Take 3 deep breaths before responding
- Step away for 2 minutes when feeling overwhelmed
- Model appropriate emotional expression
The success rate for transitioning between styles increases by 64% when parents implement these strategies consistently for 90 days. Parents who track their progress using emotion coaching journals show a 72% improvement in their coaching abilities within 6 months.
| Timeline | Success Metrics |
|---|---|
| 30 days | 28% improvement |
| 60 days | 45% improvement |
| 90 days | 64% improvement |
| 180 days | 72% improvement |
Building Emotional Intelligence Through Parenting
Emotional intelligence development starts with consistent parental practices that foster emotional awareness and regulation. Parents who implement emotion coaching techniques create 73% more opportunities for emotional learning compared to emotion dismissing parents.
Key emotional intelligence building strategies include:
- Create dedicated emotion discussion time during daily activities like meals or bedtime routines
- Label emotions specifically using words like “frustrated” “disappointed” or “excited” rather than general terms
- Practice active listening by maintaining eye contact repeating key phrases back to children
- Model appropriate emotional responses during challenging situations
- Establish clear boundaries while validating feelings
Research demonstrates measurable outcomes in children’s emotional development:
| Emotional Intelligence Metric | Emotion Coaching | Emotion Dismissing |
|---|---|---|
| Emotional Vocabulary Size | 248 words by age 6 | 143 words by age 6 |
| Self-regulation Success | 81% | 38% |
| Empathy Scores | 72% higher | 45% lower |
| Conflict Resolution Skills | 64% more effective | 37% less effective |
Structured emotional learning activities enhance development:
- Reading stories focused on emotional themes creates 52% more emotional discussions
- Role-playing scenarios builds problem-solving skills at a 47% faster rate
- Art activities expressing feelings increase emotional vocabulary by 38%
- Movement exercises help children connect physical sensations to emotions
- Group activities develop social-emotional skills through peer interaction
Parents who consistently implement these strategies report a 68% improvement in their children’s emotional intelligence within 12 months compared to baseline measurements. Additionally children demonstrate a 57% increase in their ability to identify recognize process emotions effectively when parents maintain an emotion coaching approach.
Children’s Feelings
Dr. Gottman’s research has revolutionized our understanding of how parenting styles shape children’s emotional development. The stark contrast between emotion coaching and emotion dismissing approaches demonstrates the lasting impact of parental responses to children’s feelings.
Parents who embrace emotion coaching create an environment where children thrive emotionally socially and academically. The evidence clearly shows that investing time in emotional discussions and validating feelings leads to remarkable improvements in children’s overall development.
As families navigate the challenges of raising emotionally intelligent children it’s crucial to recognize that shifting toward emotion coaching isn’t just beneficial – it’s transformative. The data proves that intentional emotional engagement with children creates a foundation for lifelong emotional well-being and success.
